On Yankees and the Cold

I once met a man from Louisiana who accused me of being a Yankee, because I lived in Washington, D.C., even though I am a Texan through and through. He was belligerently Southern and I found him both hilarious and disturbing. But his words have stuck with me and I must say I find myself agreeing with him. He went on and on about how he didn't trust people from up north on the grounds that "you can't trust a man who thinks it is normal to shovel snow out of his driveway before he goes to work." Nor can you trust someone who thinks temperatures that dip below freezing for several months out of the year is any way to live. "That ain't right. That just ain't right. You can't trust a man who thinks that is right," he said.

Indeed. That ain't right. While I have no snow to shovel, it is raining like crazy and when it hits the sidewalk it immediately freezes. Is that what they call freezing rain? I never did understand that term, because I always rather thought that when it was freezing rain turned to snow. I think maybe now I get it and it just ain't right. It sucks. I nearly killed myself getting the newspaper the sidewalk was so slippery. Well, I exaggerate. I did a crazy dance trying not to fall on my ass, but I could have nearly killed myself.

Then there is the dilemma of how do you heat a house built in the 1800s? There should be a class or at least a brochure on things you should know before you buy an old house up north. Maybe I'll write it.

1) No matter what you do, you won't be warm. Your nose and fingers will be popsicles, the pets will need earmuffs and there will be a frigid breeze whipping through stairwells, near windows and doors. The stairways act like breezeways, really.

2) It takes 10 minutes to get the hot water from the basement to the second floor (where all showers are), so your water bill will be extra high. (An on-demand water heater installed on second floor is in my future.)

3) Medicine cabinets installed on an outside wall result in frozen (or very nearly so) toiletries. You must take the deodorant out of the cabinet a good 30 minutes before using and place it in a warm spot unless you want quite the wake-up call.

4) Dishes kept in cabinets on outside walls must be warmed before using. That nice hot cup of coffee becomes lukewarm (at best) upon being poured into the cup. No wonder the man at the kitchen store made a big stink about getting a warming drawer. I scoffed at that as an unnecessary expense.

5) Store your PJs on the radiator. Socks, too. So when you go to put them on, you will be warm for a few minutes.

6) Invest in those fingerless gloves -- several pair -- so you can tend to household chores. Mittens and gloves make writing, cooking and anything else requiring fine motor skills impossible. But you can't go around without insulating yourself.

7) A scarf must be worn indoors at all times.

8) The house makes creepy noises at night. Sleep with soothing music playing to drown them out or you'll lie awake freaking yourself out. This one is especially important if you have a good imagination. And you'll need to be well rested to have the energy to not freeze to death in your own home.

9) In late summer when the temperatures dip at night, your house will get cold and not warm up during the day. So on those lovely September days when it is high 70s, low 80s, you'll be wearing sweaters and long pants inside and will have to change into summer clothes (near the door so you freeze before you get outside) when you leave the house.

I could go on, but I am depressing myself. I had grand plans to go to the grocery store, to search out cool photo albums and then finish wrapping gifts. I'm not leaving the house. I'm going to put on another pair of socks (or two), find my new hat and stay under the covers with the dog, who definitely needs ear warmers.

Even baking Christmas cookies is out, because it is too cold in here to allow the butter to come up to room temperature. I guess on the bright side, you don't really need a refrigerator during the winter. I could just leave all the stuff out on the counter. SIGH.