You Can't Just Bacon Poop Anywhere

Once upon a time I went to happy hour with a friend and it was bacon night at the bar. You could order a giant plate of bacon for not much money along with your cocktail. What could be better -- bacon AND cocktails? Maybe some fried green tomatoes -- but I digress.

The point is that my friend couldn't have any bacon, because she was staying at the house of some very observant Jewish friends and they told her she couldn't bacon poop in their toilet. So she had to have salad.

This made me sad for her and utterly fascinated. I mean, it's a toilet. For what other purpose would one use a toilet except to flush things that you won't otherwise put elsewhere? I can comprehend the principle behind having separate plates and cookware for things that ought not mix. But the potty???? And really, how would they KNOW someone had bacon pooped in their toilet? For the record, being a most respectful and principle-of-the-matter girl, she declined the bacon.

Then I started wondering, how close to the house can the bacon poop get? If their neighbors stuff themselves with pork products, expel and then flush, does the pork poop whoosing into the sewer system past their house cause an issue? What if a dog has eaten bacon and poops in their yard? Do those Beggin Strips count, because I am pretty sure that isn't real bacon.

Then I started obsessing about what else one couldn't poop in their toilet.

• Definitely no cheeseburger poop.
• No shellfish poop.
• But what if you had, say, a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch and then meatloaf for supper? Would the cheese and the meat mix in your tummy and create a sacrilegious poop? (Note: This would be a terribly unhealthy diet and should be avoided.)
• Shrimp and grits would be off limits, for sure.
• No pork products at all.

The next logical step was to worry that I had inadvertently bacon pooped some where I should not have. But, really, I try not to do that sort of thing any place except at home. It's just too embarrassing and weird. I realize that I am probably unhealthily uptight about it, but that's just the way I feel.

Who hasn't been in a public restroom and been serenaded by the person next to you in a way that you wish would just stop? Work is the worst. I just don't want to share that kind of information with my colleagues or they with me. Okay, okay, I know. Everybody poops. I've read the book. BUT STILL!!!!

The mind boggles, really. It is so complicated. There is a whole world out there with rules and regulations on what you can poop where and I never knew. It makes me wonder what else I don't know about and through my ignorance am sending people to hell right and left. (Is that what happens if one is exposed to bacon poop? That is the problem -- I just don't know!)

I do hope the children's book authors are working on their next iteration entitled, "You Can't Just Bacon Poop Anywhere" and they will answer some of these questions, because I really am curious and this isn't the sort of thing you can ask just anyone.